parenting MONDAYS

We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with great love. Mother Teresa

Positive Uses of Guilt

1. Guilt is our conscience talking. Just because we don’t like feeling guilty doesn’t mean that there isn’t something to feel guilty about. Guilt is a signal to take a look at our part in our relationship with our child and whether or not we have done what we believe in our hearts is good enough parenting. Guilt is our internal alarm system that signals that maybe we’re not living up to our own expectations of ourselves.
2. Guilt can make us pay better attention to what we are doing as parents. Guilt is a thinking emotion. Yes, we feel bad. But along with the feeling is usually some version of “I should have, could have, wish I had” that can be useful in its own way. It makes us consider whether we really should have or could have done something different and, if so, what we can do next to better the situation.
3. Guilt can be a motivator to do something. Nobody likes to carry feelings of guilt around for long. It can be the push we need to make some changes in our lives so we come closer to being the parent we want to be.
4. When not over-done, showing our guilt can be a way to make the child we’ve let down (however unintentionally) feel better and can help heal the relationship. When the teen sees us feeling guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed, the teen feels heard and sees that his or her feelings or needs are respected.

On the other hand, guilt can immobilise the individual and distance people from one another.

Negative Uses of Guilt

1. Guilt can let us off the hook from making change. If we look like we feel bad enough, the person we’ve wronged ends up feeling sorry for us and doesn’t feel entitled to ask us to do something we really ought to be doing.
2. Guilt can be a passive-aggressive way to assign blame. Some mothers are masters at using guilt to manipulate. Our children want and need our approval. Because feeling disconnected from a parent’s love is frightening, children do respond to the “guilt trip.” Young children will do almost anything to get back into Mum’s favour. Teens, however, respond to guilt with some combination of anger and their own guilt, causing the relationship to break down further.
3. Guilt can be a way to punish ourselves. If we can’t change what has happened; if we can’t figure out how to make things right; if we see ourselves as having been a terrible mother, we can at least have the decency to beat ourselves up with guilt for a very, very long time. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t repair a troubled relationship with our child. Atonement is a poor second choice to reparations but sometimes it feels easier.
4. Guilt can be a poor substitute for feelings of self-worth. When a mum doesn’t believe she can live up to her own standards, she can at least show that she’s a good person by feeling guilty about it. Real self-esteem requires working on actually achieving those standards, not sitting in good intentions.

It is inevitable in family life, and especially in family life in the teen years, that our kids will at times feel misunderstood, and that we moms will over- or underreact to choices they make. When people are engaged with each other, it’s impossible not to step on one another’s toes now and then. When teens are doing the hard work of separating from family and asserting their individuality but at the same trying to stay connected, they may say harsh things, make poor choices, or push limits and get themselves into trouble.

Negative guilt ultimately gets in the way of doing what needs to be done to maintain healthy relationships while at the same time holding ourselves and our kids to healthy standards. Used well, guilt helps us feel empathy, connect to our child, and get busy making needed changes.

parenting MONDAYS

I am reading 'Bringing Up Bebe' by Pamela Druckerman.  I am only 1/3rd of the way in and I am absolutely loving all the tips that are connecting with me as I am reading. There are some stand out parenting tips that I just have to share. I wish I had have known this when my daughter's were babies (not that they were bad sleepers) but it would have helped and I think it will help all the new mother's out there.

This book is beautifully written and has some wonderful tips to learn from and help you parent your little one.

Tip 1 ~ The Pause

Dr Cohen (french paediatrician) suggests 'for my first intervention is to say, when your baby is born, just do not jump on your kid at night. Give your baby a chance to self-soothe, don't automatically respond, even from birth.'

This is quite logical as young babies make a lot of movement and noise while they are sleeping, which is normal and fine but if parents rush in and pick the baby up every time they hear a peep they may wake him up. Just like adults babies wake up between their sleep cycles, which last about two hours. It is normal for them to cry a bit when they are first learning to connect these cycles. If a parent automatically interprets this as a demand to soothe the baby they will have a heard time learning to connect  the cycles on his own. Dr Cohen says that if a baby manages to fall asleep on his own he will have an easier time doing it again next time.

Cohen also says that sometimes babies do need to be fed or picked up. But unless we observe and pause them we cannot be sure. If the babies requests become more persistent you will have to tend to your baby. But remember to give your baby a chance to learn.

I find this tip so welcoming to learn and not to immediately go in and pick your baby up..... just watch and listen and see if they can settle themselves.

Parenting MONDAY'S

I was awake half the night last night thinking about my eldest daughter and her work placement for Hospitality next week. I am excited for her and scared as well. Going out into the world by herself and meeting and getting to know other people. This experience will open a whole new world for her. 

Her hours are from 8am - 3pm and her father is taking her there in the mornings but she will need to make her own way home in the afternoons, which I am happy about, in the way it will build her confidence and independence. On the Monday I have decided to meet her in Parramatta, where her work placement is, so we can travel together and work out times which platform and where to change and where to get the bus home. I do not drive so both my daughters are used to catching public transport, but they are a bit vague as to which, what, and where to get the transport from. My main concern is the people she may have to contend with on the transport, it may be all smooth sailing but I know I will be a little anxious until I know she has stepped in the front door.

For all those parents with teenagers and nearly leaving school, How do you cope and how did you feel when the situation arose for the first time when your child had to fend for themselves in some way?